It's a frigging 6.38am now. Lmao.
& I have yet to sleep.

Been up the entire night watching drama.
& also, doing some soul searching in between.

-

Somehow, some things / thoughts struck me hard.

I realized that I had not been loving myself much for a long time.

Sounds weird right ? I know.
It feels weird & super random to me too.
But this is just a reality that is occurring. Lol..


I didn't really know since when..
I started to forget bout myself.
Forgot to really love & dote myself. Lol.
Stopped putting myself in priority..?

I know it sounds ridiculous.
But ever since I started loving u,
I realized I've placed u far more important then myself. Lol.

For the past 3 years plus, near 4 ..
It had always been you, you, you & only u.
U had always been my priority. Lol.

No matter what I had planned in the first place,
Once it comes to u, everything ..
Or rather, most of it will be either ..
Cancelled / Pushback / Denied .

I know u actually did the same for me too, at times. Lol ...
& truthfully, I thank u for that. Seriously.

U may fight back & deny it..
& I know, honestly, I've been acting & being ...
Like an asshole & bitch ..?
Since from like ... Near 1 year ago or so ..
& also, I know I had made ur life kinda hard & miserable somehow, in between.

Its not that I really wanted to ..
It was partly bcos I wanted to see ..
How much u really cared & bothered. Lol...

I'm sincerely sorry bout it. (:

& irregardless of it, u were still my everything / priority ..
The most important of mine that I never wanted to lost of.

It didn't really matter how tough time had gotten.
How things went wrong & all.

All it mattered was that we were still together & happy, somehow.

I knew I whinnied alot bout it & frequently.
But actually, i didn't really mind it nor meant it.
Just wanted to disturb u only. Lol ..

Just cause, u always had that funny look when I talk / say bout it.
So I couldn't help but make fun of u. (:

I was always truthfully contented & happy ;
Whenever u were around & beside me..

We may fight / quarrel / argue ..
Like seriously, most of the time.
But it's all alright .
Cause at the end of the day,
We would still be back together .. (:

We had acted childishly ..
Behaved madly & wildly .
Reacted badly & like retards / idiots.
Cursed & swear at each other with vulgars.
But I still cherished all those times dearly. (: ..

It's seriously like ..
Till a certain extend already.
That I could not imagine my live w/o u.
May sounds mushy / funny ?
But u had just became a fucking important part of me.


& now, I realized ..
I loved u more then ever, even then myself. Lol ...

The irony part is,
perhaps u do not even know or understand. Lmao.

-

Now that things took a big turn ..
& I noticed that it doesn't seems ..
To affect u at all or so ?
While I'm taking a full hit on ?.. Lol.

I don't intend to make the 1st move / step alr.
Just gonna stay still & put, right here.

I'm just gonna wait & see ..
If u would be willing to put down ur pride for me ?

Wanna take a last test & a bet ..
To see how much I really meant to u.
& how much u would do to keep me ?

I'm pretty sick of being just a spare to u. Lol ...
Sick of u giving me excuses like just how busy u are & so ...

U always say that I'm important ..
& that I really meant alot.
All the love & misses ?
But it's all just, words.
I hardly see u put it into actions. Lol ...


Thus, this would be my very last bet.
With myself .. Lol ..

Within the deadline that I set with myself.
If No actions or anything from ur side.

I would raise the white flag & give up, totally ... (:


Even recently, I've been asking myself.
Why & what am I hoping for ?
Waiting for ? Expecting of ? Rofl ...

I find myself being ridiculous too .


So .... This should be my last straw.
My last bet & my last "chance" ..?

We should just see how it goes ..
& ends ... Then ..... :) ..

I'm trying hard not to think ..
Just so as to let myself feel at least,
A tad bit better or so ....

Cause it seems like ...
U're perfectly fine, even w/o me .

I'm still hoping a lil.
Thro' I know I shouldn't at all, perhaps? Lmao.

-

Ohya ;
& then, I'm gonna learn ..
& start to love myself, better !.. (:
Treasure myself more too ! Hahaha.


P/s ; it's 7.32 am now, as I'm typing.
I completely lost track of time.

& then so,
this is just a little confession of mine?
Well, maybe a big chuck ? Lmao.

&& I'm still waiting, as of now ... Complicated feelings much ?
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